Are you...blue?

More Thicke loving tonight.

Heh. Grinning like a 16-year-old in love.

Eh...that's a little wrong.

###

NSFW!

I have always loved..LOVED..guys with (urgh) swag. And two of my swaggiest men happen to be in this video.

I am talking about you, Pharrell Williams and TI.




Of course, the girls have nothing on me but Pharrell and TI..hawt damn.

*fans*

###

Learn to love again

This song is so...semangat.

Love it!

 

###

Day 12

Sobriety is good.

:)

###

Black parade down

Granted I was not a fan right from the beginning of their existence but when I heard their music from their second album in 2004, Three Chears for Sweet Revenge, I was hooked. And when their third album came in 2006 with all that rock opera hoopla (The Black Parade), I was sold.

Of course it was not an idea exclusive to their band but My Chemical Romance didnt take themselves too seriously. I love how they added elements of Goth and German Expressionism into their music. The 'art' was there, even though it was so subtle and some might even say thrashy.

Anyway, thank you My Chemical Romance for your music. Though you have dubbed as the lamer cousins of Queen, Pink Floyd, David Bowie and Green Day, your music and theatrics will be missed by me.

So long and goodnight.

"We hear the call to carry on, we'll carry on
And though you're dead and gone, believe me
Your memory will carry on, we'll carry on
And though you're broken and defeated
You're weary widow marches on...

###

I who have nothing

"Sometimes you feel so wrapped up feeling so sorry for yourself you don't realise that your close friends are suffering too."

...

It has been 41 days of official unemployment and I shouldnt get used to this. Must not let brain go to waste.

Had a second interview with a foundation yesterday. I am not going to bank on anything lest I get disappointed. Not that I am not enthusiastic, I have come to a stage in life where everything happens for a reason and if it is meant to be, it is meant to be. Of course it is not without effort. That is why I made the effort to find jobs, attend interviews and present myself the best way I can. It is just that, after the session is over, I have no control over the outcome and I must be ready to accept what's next in line on my plate of life.

Talking about interviews, another major one tomorrow.
But hey, no expectations.
Just be me
Albeit at my best and most presentable self :)


Just another dork.

So, what have I been doing?

For the past week, I have been dedicating some time to a girl friend who is having a rough patch in her married life. Something happened and she wanted to 'escape' and went out every day to drink, to feel the buzz of being remotely happy.

I am not a teetotaler and unfortunately, I did enjoy the pseudo-bliss that alcohol could bring before. But something recently happened (another story) and some changes had to be introduced into my life. Anyway, yes, I am not a teetotaler but I cant say that I approve of what the friend is doing though I do understand her need to escape from her woes, even for a short while.

However, I feel, sometimes it is hard to keep up and no one has asked me if I am emotionally or mentally available. Granted, she is my friend and friends should always be there for each other but sometimes, I get the feeling of I-need-you-now-so-come-and-be-with-me-now-if-you-are-my-friend. Sometimes people forget to ask "I know you are tired but would you please meet me for a while? I can do with some company right now."

And...why am I tired?
Here's the other story.

I am tired of thinking, of organising my life, of attending interviews, doing some freelance work and recently being on medication. Recently, the sister and I had been told that we have sleeping tuberculosis cells in our body. They are not infectious or active but we have been put on preventive medication to stop the cells from ever waking up.

Medication will go on for 6 months and one of the side effects is potential listlessness. In order not to aggravate the condition, people who take this medication need to refrain from smoking, drinking and taking drugs. Again, unfortunately, I do the occasional chugging so here's where I have to stop. This may not be the best route to sobriety and atonement but it is still a path. So, I am working on being able to see the end of the path. I am sure it is worthy.

So, yeah.

I have explained my state but the friend goes on lamenting how sucky that I will not be able to 'fly high' with her. She has been a pal and I don't want to sever ties just because of this, and not when she is at her most vulnerable. But sometimes I wonder if people really do care about others all the time.

Do my friends really think about me just like how I always think about them?
Am I just overthinking everything?
Am I just jealous of her real-life drama?
Am I too self-absorbed that I take offence in my friends not checking on my feelings?
What kind of a person am I?

*breathes*

I have never done so much self-reflection in my life. It all started with the Burma trip.

Oh, I really need to write about that.

###

Story of my heart

After a high, there comes a low. Feeling tad emo tonight.



"Cinta kau dan aku
Takkan mungkin bersatu
Untuk saat ini di dunia ini..."

###

Shine bright like a...

...sterling silver Tiffany bracelet.

My mother decided to get belated birthday gifts for my sister and I. We went to Tiffany's and ta-dah, she gave me this.

I am joyful. But I also think these are pity presents from Mother because recently, my sister and I were told that we have some potentially infectious and dangerous 'bad cells' in our bodies.

Yikes indeed.

Still, thank you so so much,
Me

Fossil

At a school camp. The men beside me, Ryan and Mike...well I knew them since they were 13. Now they are in their mid-20s.

I remember them being pesky cadets many many moons ago. I taught them footdrill, arms drill, survival skills, camp knowledge and many other knowledge which may or may not be useful in their lives.

Now...they are done with NS and in a couple of years' time, get married.

Wah.

I am so old.

###

Don't want the heart to break

Rule number one, is that you gotta have fun
But baby when you're done, you gotta be the first to run
Rule number two, just don't get attached to
Somebody you could lose
So le-let me tell you

This is how to be a heartbreaker
Boys they like a little danger
We'll get him falling for a stranger
A player, singing I lo-lo-love you
How to be a heartbreaker
Boys they like the look of danger
We'll get him falling for a stranger
A player, singing I lo-lo-love you
At least I think I do

Cause I lo-lo-lo-love you

Rule number three, wear your heart on your cheek
But never on your sleeve, unless you wanna taste defeat
Rule number four, gotta be looking pure
Kiss him goodbye at the door, and leave him wanting more, more

This is how to be a heartbreaker
Boys they like a little danger
We'll get him falling for a stranger
A player, singing lo-lo-love you
How to be a heartbreaker
Boys they like the look of danger
We'll get him falling for a stranger
A player, singing lo-lo-love you
At least I think I do

Cause I lo-lo-love you

Girls, we do, whatever it will take
Cause girls don't want, we don't want our hearts to break in two
So it's better to be fake, can't risk losing
In love again, ba-abe

This is how to be a heartbreaker
Boys they like a little danger
We'll get him falling for a stranger
A player, singing lo-lo-love you
How to be a heartbreaker
Boys they like the look of danger
We'll get him falling for a stranger
A player, singing lo-lo-love you

Cause I lo-lo-lo-love you

At least I think I do
###

Ode to the gender I love

There is always a weird vibe going on. So strange and glad we do not meet often. But when we did, I felt...refreshed. See? That's such a weird description. One does not feel refreshed upon meeting another person. One feels happy, angry, ecstatic. Anything but refreshed. Told you it is weird.

Or maybe it could be the presence of other elements.
Maybe. But that's not the point here.

I am thinking of what happened and I cannot help but smile. I am not big on conversations so I tend to pick up on little things like gestures, mannerisms and intentions and well, I think I kind of like what I have picked up.

Kind of, cause I am one who is never sure of anything. I go heads-on on things I do not know where they will lead me to. Some people do not like that part of me and I do not blame them. I do not like that sometimes too.

Where was I?

...

So you ask me many things. Things I am never sure of. You say maybe I am what I am because I am not part of a whole. You say two people make a whole and I am not a whole. You say I am not opening my eyes. You ask why I am not trying. You ask me if I like girls now cause I am just so blasé about men, love and relationships. That always makes me laugh because of all the things I am not sure of, I do definitely know girls are never my preference. At least right now.

...

So we opened up. You saw a bit of my world and you did not run away. Though I think you were too tired to get up from the chair.

I think you are getting more curious and braver though you insisting to prove something to me sometimes seems quite baffling. Whenever you do that, I find myself moving backwards each time that happens. The steps behind are always more than those little inches I manage to gather to the front. You see, I am never good around these things. I do not know how to feed your ego because growing up, I have always been left alone. I do not know how to react when there is someone sharing whatever tiny space I have around me.

Back to your ego.

Okay. I have nothing to say about your ego because I think you are behaving just like how other men are behaving. So I guess, it is a natual one. But, I just want to say it can be a buzz-kill. And you know me, it is always about the buzz, the vibe, the feel. Gosh, I am such a woman.

Anyway, it has been nice. I am not expecting anything because expectations always never do me good. You however are intense. Sometimes it scares the beezlebubs out of me whenever I see you. Which is not often and I am glad. I think.

I think your presence scares me. It does excite a little but it scares me more. Your world, your life, your hopes, your dreams. Dropping hints that I should be in them seems scary. Wait, are those hints? Or are you asking? Or are these the plans I am not sure of?

See, I do not want to be that crazy person who starts to question herself (this is an exception. this is my blog. peace.) and starts to ponder: (these are just examples. I am not saying that I have these thoughts with regards to my life)

"Does he like me?"
"Did he just ask me to be his wife?"
"Did he just say that to make me smile?"
"Did he just do that?"
"Does he do that to other girls?"
"What am I to him?"

See, these are the questions that will drive any girl crazy. I know because I have seen my girl friends going all mental when they start questioning themselves with these. And I do not want it upon myself so excuse me when I have that blank look on my face every once in a while because I am processing the semantics and pushing them out of my head within seconds.

And next time you see that split second blankness...*hint hint*...I think what you can do is to just take my hand and say everything will be okay.

Okay.
Maybe touching hand is a tough zone for me.
How about stroke/pat my back and say everything will be okay?
No...I might be all sweaty and uncomfortable.
How about just a knowing smile?

My my...an entry about everything, yet it really speaks of nothing. Just processing the semantics, I guess. You have been chilled all your life and your sudden surge of urgency is ...for the lack of a better word, refreshing. But I do like the chilled you. No drama. Not intense. Like I said, intense people scare the beezlebubs out of me. With me, you do not have to prove yourself. I like our air of innocence. You bring out the glee in me. Scared, but gleeful. Always feel like a little girl whenever we hang out.

Little girl as in feeling gleeful. Rolling-around-meadows, the-hills-are-alive kind of gleeful little girl. Not the paedophile-case files one.

So my dear Jake Gyllenhaal (haha!), this is me.
I hope I do not pass off as one psycho-bitch cause hell no, I am not.
I am not stone-cold or aloof or standoffish or nonchalant.
I am scared. Unsure. But with lots of glee.
I do not wear my heart on my sleeve.
I do not say I have innocence or purity.
But I do keep a clean, open and honest heart.
For whatever it is worth, I hope that is enough.
For now.

###

Some nights

35 days since I was officially jobless.

A lot of things happened - two weddings, a funeral, a trip to Burma, some interviews and a few trips to the hospital to accompany the father.

Of course, some heavy duty sleeping going on too. And reading. Finished 5 books. So proud of myself, even though the choice of books was not-so stellar. Dont ask.

All right. Will update on the Burmese trip soon. I'd kept a travel log when I was there and boy, it sure was some colourful recording. I cant wait to share but...ah...the thought of transferring them here sounds tedious already.

But...it will be done.

Eventually.

###

Gimme a reason

We can always love again.

Is it time?

###