Round the bend

Abandonment.
Not only am I a commitment-phobe, it just hit me earlier today that I have abandonment issues.

A cousin sent a picture of my grandma and me yesterday. In that picture, I must have been around six or seven cause my grandma was still staying with me. Not long after, she left my house to stay in Yishun with my then-bachelor uncle.

My grandma and I, we were very close. Growing up, I wasn't close to my parents because they were never around. It was always my grandma who was with me. Besides, I think my mom loved my brother more (she probably still does). So yeah, I only had a year with my busy parents before the brother came along.

[Oh yeah, I also had my youngest auntie staying with me when I was a child. But she got married when I was around 4 and moved out. That was my second case of abandonment. The first abandoners being my parents. My cancer-stricken auntie died 5 years ago. That added to my ever-present grief. She was the only auntie whom I could pour my heart too.]

Back to my grandma.

She left to be with my uncle. I remember yearning to keep on going to Yishun when I was a child, only to be with her. It was a bachelor pad. It was not a place for kids. As my uncle was in the advertising+creative line, a lot of "creative" materials were all over the place. When he wasn't around, and when my grandma was busy cooking or sewing, I would break into my uncle's office, look at his 'creative' materials (include a lot of adult visuals...I was only 8). I found a bible in his drawer (he was a dating a Christian girl) and that was how I got to read the bible.

[Good lord. I read the bible before I even read the Qur'an. Thank God my grandma instilled an Islamic foundation during my early childhood. I could have been so confused.]

Anyway, yes, grandma left me. My mom left her job to take care of brother and me. Then she got pregnant, and the sister appeared. Feelings of abandonment multiplied. Now...nobody was free to bring me to Yishun. Mom was too busy with the little dumpling.

Two years flew. I channeled my energy into school. Yes, at Primary 3 & 4. I was so 'adult' then...feeling all independent and slightly angsty. I couldnt really fit in cause everyone was so happy. PE was a good outlet to vent my frustrations. I was good at that. One fine day in 1990, my uncle appeared at my classroom door to pick me up. "Grandma's gone," he said.

Abandonment.
Parents weren't the ones to pick me.
Abandonment.

You see, 1990 was a watershed year. I lost my one true love. I've never recovered. In 1996, I suffered my first heartbreak. It added to my sadness because I lost the second person whom I thought I loved. Bear in mind I was 16, young and stupid.

Anyway, the rest of my teenage years (and going well into my 20s) were spent dealing with these abandonment issues. I sabotaged relationships before they got too ..well..complicated. Nothing is forever and before it ends and blows up in my face, I should walk away, right? Well that was how I felt.

Now...at 34, I am tired.
Tired of walking away, tired of being in grief all the time.
The first step towards self-improvement is self-acceptance so here I am, accepting the fact that I have issues.

I dont want these issues to go away because these issues carry the memories of my loved ones - mainly my grandma and my beloved auntie - but I just need a way to work my way around them.

Okay.

I dont have a poetic way to end this entry. So yeah...that's all.


###

Diamond in the rough

"Melinda was mine'

Til the time that I found her

Holding Jim, loving him

Then Sue came along, loved me strong

That's what I thought

Me and Sue, but that died too

Don't know that I will

But until I can find me

The girl who'll stay

And won't play games behind me

I'll be what I amA solitary man, solitary man

I've had it to here

Bein' where love's a small word

Part-time thing, paper ring

I know it's been done

Havin' one girl who'll love me

Right or wrong, weak or strong

Don't know that I will

But until I can find me

The girl who'll stay

And won't play games behind me

I'll be what I am

A solitary man, solitary man"

...

"So that's your favourite one? From Neil Diamond?" I asked curiously.

"Why? Do you know who he is?"

He eyed me from the top of his reading glasses. How I loved it when he had them on. 

"Well, not like I know him personally, but do...do I know him? Hello, he's one of the greatest singers in this lifetime!" 

His eyes lit up. I think we had a connection there. Neil Diamond. Hah, who would have thought?

"Say, what's your Diamond favourite? Oh wait, let me guess. 'Sweet Caroline'?

"No."

"'Shilo'? 'Red Red Wine'? 'Cracklin' Rosie'?

Okay. Is he going to go through the whole of Neil Diamond's discography?

Can I talk now?

"No, no and no. My favou.."

"'Song Sung Blue'! It has to be 'Song Sung Blue'! he almost yelled.

What is that? Dude, it's only a song.

No offence, Neil Diamond.

"It's 'Girl, You'll Be A Woman Soon'. It's soulful and it is kind of deep." The answer finally broke out of my mouth. I had to admit, it did feel a little good that my favourite was not among those titles he had rattled off earlier. It made me feel like a badass. A Neil Diamond badass.

"You must have heard it from that Tarantino movie, right? 'Pulp Fiction'? That version was by Urge Overkill."

"Yes I know that version. I know that movie. I did not like it, but I know," I said while trying to be sure that I still looked cool.

"What do you mean you didn't like 'Pulp Fiction'? Are you kidding me, Jules?"

That semi-screech again.

What is this dude's problem?

I take it back.

He and his glasses can both scram out of my sight now.

"Well, Peter. I wasn't into that. I love other Tarantino flicks like 'Inglourious Basterds' and 'Django Unchained' but 'Pulp Fiction' didn't really hit me."

"Hah, you're such a girl!" he laughed.

"Wait, I thought this is about Neil Diamond?"

"Well, it isn't now."

God. 

Just how many more frogs do I have to kiss?

###

Talk of nothing

"So what's your story? What are you looking for?"

I am stumped by the questions. Sure I've had some interesting events here and there but there are never really stories to me. And what am I looking for? Well, if I know what it is for sure I would have found it by now.

Okay. 
Bite your tongue. 
Let's not get sarcastic.

"Story? I don't have much of a story and I think I am looking for happiness."

Great, Jules. 
Play that bimbo card. 

"Sounds easy, but I am sure happiness is quite a tricky thing to achieve," he says with a slight smile.

What is that? That smile? Is it a mocking smile that carries biting sarcasm or is that an empathetic one? I don't know and do I have to care?

"Well, some people say that if your idea of happiness is simple, you can achieve it easily. Maybe my version of happiness sounds a tad complicated."

"Ah, I like complications. It keeps the brain running. Life isn't easy and something that is easily achieved should be looked at again!" says he with the twinkling eyes. "Aren't you going to ask me anything? What I like, what I don't? Or do I have to do all the talking around here?"

Damn it. 
Must I? 
Breathe. 
Here I go. 

"Okay. I did tell you that I'm not much of a talker." Cue nervous laughter. "Well, let's see. Ah, okay. Which one do you think is more important in a relationship? Passion or dedication?"

Seriously, Jules? 
THAT question? 

"You don't have to answer that if you don't want to. It was just something at the top of my head anyway."

Quick, grab the coffee cup. 
Drink. Drink. Drink. 

"Passion, Jules. I'll choose passion for sure. Don't you feel the same way too?"

"I'll choose dedication but, it's not about me. Why do you choose that?"

"Surely you need passion to keep the relationship alive! It is an intense emotion and one filled with desire."

Ah, that smile again. I have such mixed feelings about that smile right now.

"Well, Hans, what happens when the passion isn't there? What if one day it takes a hike? It may come back and maybe it won't. We can't guarantee that we can feel passionate all the time but dedication, on the other hand, will always be there. It is a commitment that you must always make things work even though you may want to kill your lover...not killing out of lust...but you know, kill...murder."

Have I said too much? 
Should have just stuck to that bimbo card.

"Wow, where did that come from?" he laughs.

Great, now he thinks I'm a fool. The anxiety in my tummy is almost making its way up my throat. This is an evening I can no longer stomach. How long have we been here?

10 minutes.

"I can see your point."

He can? 

"I can see why you chose dedication."

"Because you think I'm passion-less?"

"Because I think you're scared."

Oh boy. Now I'm a coward.

"Scared? Maybe."

"That's it, Jules? You're not going to argue with that?"

Oh, must I? Must I? 
Come, let me pummel the crap out of you.

"No, I don't want to argue. Aren't we suppose to just chill?"

"We are....yes, we are."


###

Go to the end of the world for you

...to make you feel my love.




###

Heart

I haven't cried for a long time. But lately something is really bugging me. Bugging me enough for me to compose this while my vision is clouded with tears.

Yet, it is still like me to not say my sorrows explicitly.

So...here is me, crying my Friday night away.

###