Round the bend

Abandonment.
Not only am I a commitment-phobe, it just hit me earlier today that I have abandonment issues.

A cousin sent a picture of my grandma and me yesterday. In that picture, I must have been around six or seven cause my grandma was still staying with me. Not long after, she left my house to stay in Yishun with my then-bachelor uncle.

My grandma and I, we were very close. Growing up, I wasn't close to my parents because they were never around. It was always my grandma who was with me. Besides, I think my mom loved my brother more (she probably still does). So yeah, I only had a year with my busy parents before the brother came along.

[Oh yeah, I also had my youngest auntie staying with me when I was a child. But she got married when I was around 4 and moved out. That was my second case of abandonment. The first abandoners being my parents. My cancer-stricken auntie died 5 years ago. That added to my ever-present grief. She was the only auntie whom I could pour my heart too.]

Back to my grandma.

She left to be with my uncle. I remember yearning to keep on going to Yishun when I was a child, only to be with her. It was a bachelor pad. It was not a place for kids. As my uncle was in the advertising+creative line, a lot of "creative" materials were all over the place. When he wasn't around, and when my grandma was busy cooking or sewing, I would break into my uncle's office, look at his 'creative' materials (include a lot of adult visuals...I was only 8). I found a bible in his drawer (he was a dating a Christian girl) and that was how I got to read the bible.

[Good lord. I read the bible before I even read the Qur'an. Thank God my grandma instilled an Islamic foundation during my early childhood. I could have been so confused.]

Anyway, yes, grandma left me. My mom left her job to take care of brother and me. Then she got pregnant, and the sister appeared. Feelings of abandonment multiplied. Now...nobody was free to bring me to Yishun. Mom was too busy with the little dumpling.

Two years flew. I channeled my energy into school. Yes, at Primary 3 & 4. I was so 'adult' then...feeling all independent and slightly angsty. I couldnt really fit in cause everyone was so happy. PE was a good outlet to vent my frustrations. I was good at that. One fine day in 1990, my uncle appeared at my classroom door to pick me up. "Grandma's gone," he said.

Abandonment.
Parents weren't the ones to pick me.
Abandonment.

You see, 1990 was a watershed year. I lost my one true love. I've never recovered. In 1996, I suffered my first heartbreak. It added to my sadness because I lost the second person whom I thought I loved. Bear in mind I was 16, young and stupid.

Anyway, the rest of my teenage years (and going well into my 20s) were spent dealing with these abandonment issues. I sabotaged relationships before they got too ..well..complicated. Nothing is forever and before it ends and blows up in my face, I should walk away, right? Well that was how I felt.

Now...at 34, I am tired.
Tired of walking away, tired of being in grief all the time.
The first step towards self-improvement is self-acceptance so here I am, accepting the fact that I have issues.

I dont want these issues to go away because these issues carry the memories of my loved ones - mainly my grandma and my beloved auntie - but I just need a way to work my way around them.

Okay.

I dont have a poetic way to end this entry. So yeah...that's all.


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