Thousand apologies

I blame Facebook and my profession for not doing this often enough. Facebook takes all the fun in posting pictures and my profession...it creates the dread in writing.

Ironic, isnt it?

I thought my passion was writing and when I finally got into this job and company, I thought I had it made. How ignorant of me. I feel like a 21-year old all over again...few months entering my first real job. A job which I thought I had it made back then; a job in the radio.

I guess at 31 and for a perceived over-achiever, I have to eat humble pie. Being criticised and pushed around. It doesnt help that I am not confrontational at all. Though I can make a good soldier, I can never be a master tactician or a strategist. You know why...cause when it comes to the crux, I always chicken out. I get sick to the stomach...I space out and cut off from everything and everyone.

And then...the melancholia sets in. It's all self-induced, really. All our sickness...it's mostly self-induced. My sorrow? Self-induced, cause no one owes my anything.

What I need to do is to have a louder voice telling me to take charge over my body. Dont listen to it when it tells me shut down, to space out or to cut away from things which dont go as plan. Speak up and fight for myself.

I grow up being told by the parents that I was rude,brash and difficult because I argued a lot. I got punished whenever I tried to defend myself. "Act of defiance," they said. So I grew up learning to shut up. Occasionally something would be done in an act of rebellion but ... nah ... seldom a confrontation.

How the hell did I get into this job? Haha.
God always have funny tricks for me.
I get it, God.
You're so funny.

...and now I am rambling.

My sole purpose was to just share a reflection. HAd to cover the marriage of a celebrity last week at a neighbouring country and the wedding, which was held in conjunction with an educational programme on culture, was also complemented with a bridal exhibition at a mall nearby. Plus last Tuesday was Clara's wedding and so...unfortunately to say, I'm slightly OD on weddings.

Anyway, I am rambling again...

So I have this friend whom I've known since I was young and he started to ramble recently about not being married and all that shit. I was so worried that he might suggest us getting together. I think I was over-thinking, perasan even but the thought did come and it made me panic.

I dont know why and how the panic came. I mean, he's a fine person...he has enough limbs and his 5 senses are working. He has no criminal record and he's earning (whatever it is that he's doing) and we do have common interests. Any random person will tell me not to be picky and why not have him as ...(whatever I want him to be, I guess). But the thought of being with him, or with any men send a chill down my spine.

It's 5am.
I am over-thinking.
But allow me to ramble.

People always say that a best partner is one who starts out as a good friend but...I cannot seem to be able to grasp that idea. If you're a friend, then you're a friend. If you're a sex buddy, are you really a friend? I dont know. That's not my point. My point is, how can I be physically close, intimate even, to a friend?

By the way...this is just me.
Men just scare me.
Many times I had to auto shut down my PC or crash close my chat logs with some guys just because I panicked when things got to personal.

Dont get me wrong. I love men and I can imagine all the things I can do to them but they scare the shit out of me when we are not doing all the things I want to do to them (hahaha, are you still with me?).Is this about commitment? Or is it just plain awkwardness? Or high anxiety disorder?

Maybe it's the latter. Or the first. Or everything.

I am not sure if I want a relationship..or a fling..or anything. I dont like complications. Everything becomes complicated in the end and I hate that. It's like A Maths and Accounts. They all started off easy - Algorithms and P/L accounts. Then shit hit the roof later on.

Maybe I havent met someone right. People say when you meet the right person, everything falls into places.

But I'm just afraid that I'll never meet such person because of my cutting-away demeanour, not letting anyone in. But the thing is, I let some people in and they werent pleasant.

It isnt about not being able to let go. I let go...but I dont want it to happen again and again and again.

Ah.

I'll just marry a a TV.


P/S: This is a total waste of your reading time. My apologies.


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