Pieces

Hey,

I'm still alive but I'm barely breathing.

Been busy as hell and when I finally got the time to pen my thoughts, well, I fell asleep.

I've been so tired I barely realise that it has 10 months since I last had a bed. Hah. Been sleeping on the floor for 10 months, man.

Anyway...it is almost the end of the 10th week of school and that means holiday is just around corner. Gonna head down to Paris this weekend, gonna chill there for a week. Of course I have tons of work due when I get back. That's just how the universe conspires against you, isn't it?

Well, I am tired. I will get to Paris even if it kills me.

Paris, me voila!


###

The Big O

It's the third day of the Chinese New Year. May (Meh?) the year of the Goat bring cheer to us all.

Anyway, the bigger deal is that it's the Oscars this Monday. Here are my predictions (for my favourite categories, anyway) for the upcoming 87th Academy Awards, also affectionately known as the Oscars.

...

BEST PICTURE
American Sniper
The Imitation Game
Birdman or (The Unexpected Virtue of Ignorance)
 Selma
Boyhood
The Theory of Everything
The Grand Budapest Hotel
Whiplash

Mona's Prediction: Either Birdman or The Imitation Game (help, I cannot decide!)

...

BEST ACTOR 
Steve Carell -- Foxcatcher
Michael Keaton -- Birdman or (The Unexpected Virtue of Ignorance)
Bradley Cooper -- American Sniper
Eddie Redmayne -- The Theory of Everything
Benedict Cumberbatch -- The Imitation Game

Mona's Prediction: Michael Keaton (Birdman)

...

BEST ACTRESS
Marion Cotillard -- Two Days, One Night
 Rosamund Pike -- Gone Girl
Felicity Jones -- The Theory of Everything
Reese Witherspoon -- Wild
Julianne Moore -- Still Alice

Mona's Prediction: Julianne Moore (Still Alice)

...

BEST SUPPORTING ACTOR 
 Robert Duvall -- The Judge
Mark Ruffalo -- Foxcatcher
Ethan Hawke -- Boyhood
J.K. Simmons -- Whiplash
Edward Norton -- Birdman or (The Unexpected Virtue of Ignorance)

Mona's Prediction: J.K. Simmons (Whiplash)

...

BEST SUPPORTING ACTRESS
Patricia Arquette -- Boyhood
 Emma Stone -- Birdman or (The Unexpected Virtue of Ignorance)
Laura Dern -- Wild
Meryl Streep -- Into the Woods
Keira Knightley -- The Imitation Game

Mona's Prediction : Keira Knightley (The Imitation Game) - I cannot believe I'm putting down her name!

...

BEST ANIMATED FEATURE FILM
Big Hero 6
Song of the Sea
The Boxtrolls
The Tale of the Princess Kaguya
How To Train Your Dragon 2

Mona's Prediction: How To Train Your Dragon 2

...

BEST DIRECTING
Alejandro G. Iñárritu -- Birdman or (The Unexpected Virtue of Ignorance)
Richard Linklater -- Boyhood
Bennett Miller -- Foxcatcher
Wes Anderson -- The Grand Budapest Hotel
Morten Tyldum -- The Imitation Game

Mona's Prediction: Alejandro G. Inarritu (Birdman) -- I AM SO SORRY, WES ANDERSON!

...

BEST WRITING (ADAPTED SCREENPLAY)
American Sniper
The Imitation Game
Inherent Vice
The Theory of Everything
Whiplash

Mona's Prediction: The Imitation Game

...

BEST WRITING (ORIGINAL SCREENPLAY)
 Birdman or (The Unexpected Virtue of Ignorance)
Boyhood
Foxcatcher
The Grand Budapest Hotel
Nightcrawler

Mona's Prediction: OMG I cannot choose between Birdman, The Grand Budapest Hotel and Boyhood. I will (with heavy heart) go with Birdman.

...

BEST CINEMATOGRAPHY
Birdman or (The Unexpected Virtue of Ignorance)
The Grand Budapest Hotel
Ida
Mr. Turner
Unbroken

Mona's Prediction: The Grand Budapest Hotel

...

BEST COSTUME DESIGN
The Grand Budapest Hotel
Inherent Vice
Into the Woods
Maleficent
Mr Turner

Mona's Prediction: The Grand Budapest Hotel

...

BEST FILM EDITING
American Sniper
Boyhood
The Grand Budapest Hotel
The Imitation Game
Whiplash

Mona's Prediction: Whiplash

...

BEST MUSIC (ORIGINAL SCORE)
The Grand Budapest Hotel
 The Imitation Game
Interstellar
Mr Turner
The Theory of Everything

Mona's Prediction: Interstellar!

...

BEST MUSIC (ORIGINAL SONG)
 "Everything Is Awesome" from THE LEGO MOVIE
"Glory" from SELMA
"Grateful" from BEYOND THE LIGHTS
"I'm Not Gonna Miss You" from GLEN CAMPBELL...I'LL BE ME
"Lost Stars" from BEGIN AGAIN

Mona's Prediction: I'm Not Gonna Miss You...for sentimentality's sake, for the love of Glen Campbell

...

BEST SOUND EDITING
American Sniper
Birdman or (The Unexpected Virtue of Ignorance)
The Hobbit: The Battle of the Five Armies
Interstellar
Unbroken

Mona's Prediction: Interstellar

...

BEST VISUAL EFFECTS
Captain America: The Winter Soldier
Dawn of the Planet of the Apes
Guardians of the Galaxy
Interstellar
X-Men: Days of Future Past

Mona's Prediction: Interstellar (obviously, I love this film!)

...

Let's see if my predictions hit home.

I have spent hundreds of dollars at the cinemas already.


###

Stomach and head

4 weeks.

4 chaotic weeks had I endured the brutality of work. 4 weeks of not being sure of what's going to happen each time I stepped into the classrooms -- new students who seem to be more interesting and challenging than the ones from the year past.

So, I have turned 35. It's a horrible number, honestly. For the first time, being "middle-aged" is real cause according to Wikipedia, the average life expectancy at birth was 71 years old (United Nations World Population Prospects 2012). So yeah, it is scary. The thoughts of growing old alone and dying in slow silence do haunt me once in a while but for my sanity sake, I have to pick meself up and get on with life the best I know how. 

Anyway, after some calculations, I think I am ready to buy that property. Yes, I have FINALLY decided to bring my parents with me. My sister is getting married next year and she is moving out (which is good cause we both need our space) and I know the mother cannot stand the idea of living just with the father. Plus, I cannot stomach the idea of them living on their own. What if they forget to switch off the TV before falling asleep? What if they dont lock the gate and leave it open for burglars? What if the gas stove is not properly turned off? What if...what if...what if they die without me being able to see them one last time? 

I CANNOT TAKE IT.

The thought of it makes me sick in the stomach.

So yeah. I am looking at resale flats cause I do not have the patience to wait for a BTO flat to be built.What if my parents cannot live that long ...say 3-4 years...for the house to be completed? Gosh. All these stomach-churning thoughts!

Anyway, the property search will start soon, probably once I am done with my Parisian trip (in March)...and then my Vietnamese adventure (in June)...and my Boracay sea-loving expedition (in September). If things go well, I may even end up in Saudi Arabia (Makkah and Madinah) this end of the year. Now, the last one is both exciting and scary at the same time. Am I ready? Will Allah welcome me to His house? Will He accept me as I am? Will He show me around...me, His humble serf? 

Ouch, my head.

###

16 Candles

I am now on my bedroom floor, trying to soothe, though unsuccessfully, a surge of panic/anxiety in my chest.

I am in-between tears and a cup full of hope. I feel like I am going to die tomorrow yet at the same time, it feels like life will finally begin tomorrow.

What's it going to be from here?

###

Take me home

Two swift days before I turn really old.

Been battling inner demons last few days. Fears. Fear of growing old. Fear of being alone forever. Fear of having baseless fears like these. Of course I know these fears are unfounded and will soon be forgotten but sometimes, when I take a look from the other side, I cannot help but wonder about the 'what-if's.

Still, I will get by with the help of my friends.

Some are real and well...some are not.

You're right.

One DID fly over the cuckoo's nest.

Okay.

Let's go out.


###

Turn down for what?

Hey.

We are already well into the 8th day of 2015.

Anything new?
Anything different?
Will anything change?


###

The Egyptian Man

He took a gamble in the night
Pouring his heart to the far Moon.
It started cold, almost dubious
But it slowly burned gentle.
He felt the Moon nodding.
In acknowledgement, not in accordance
And that was refreshing.
The Moon knew.
The Moon saw.
Though the Moon was far away
He knew he could trust the Moon.
He talked about being stuck,
Being anchored to the dunes.
Like sand through the hourglass
That was how life was passing him by.
The government failed him,
The women were disappointing.
Pleasure was only from a guilt
Or from the eyes of other strangers.
Everyone's but never his own.
Will you take me, he asked the Moon.
Or will it be all right if I go where you are?
The Moon just smiled
For the Moon longed to be down there
Where he stood
To feel the sand in her grasp.
Why be up here
Away from life
Away from love?
They looked at each other.
The man and his Moon.
No more words now
Just comfortable silence.
Soon he realised the Moon
Was getting further and further away.
We have to part, he sadly muttered.
For Fajr is here.

Do it all for a good girl

Stop making a big deal out of the little things
Cause I got big deals and I got little things.

 ###

(As I walk home alone) A question of faith

At the risk of sounding communist, life is a struggle.

Not the struggle inspired by Karl Marx or Mikhail Bakunin, rather, the more intimate struggle of humanity and its personal dilemma of ethics, morality, freedom and acts of conformism. Life struggle will not and never end as man will not stop coveting till the day he expires. The attempt to stop coveting is a major struggle itself. Maybe many of us should learn to accept that struggle is a part of life. Accepting that does not make the struggle any easier but it will make us humane. There is no way struggle will disappear but perhaps by accepting its existence, we will be more aware of how we can tackle it. One struggle at a time until the struggle for that last breath is lost.

Each day, we struggle.
Do we get up?
Do we call in sick?
Shall I eat this?
Must I pray?
Can I swear at my boss?
Do I love him?

And each day we react to the struggle almost automatically, without giving it much thought sometimes. We trust that those reactions stem from our background, education and social environment. But what if those things are not ideal? What if our background and education did not equip us enough? What if our environment is weak? What can help you through your struggle? What if you do not have the ability to improve your education and environment?

I'm not one who is religious. Far from it. I do, however, believe in the need to possess faith. Though it was blind in my early years, I then sought to understand it slowly in my adult years. I still struggle sometimes to embrace it fully but it helps to know that I have a pillar to look out for and to reach out to.

Now, what is your faith? What do you believe in?

If your faith lies in humanity, what is the cause of humanity?
If your faith lies in happiness, what is the ultimate goal of happiness?
If your faith lies in your own self-conscience, who sparks that conscience and what does it want?
If your faith lies in the greater good of mankind, what exactly does mankind want?


###

And we'll never be royal

Here I am at the Royal Palace of Amsterdam.

Survived a backbreaking 12hour journey to Paris before flying in to Amsterdam. A  bit of a confusion down at Schipol but I finally reached my accommodation at 1.20pm.

It's 5.35pm right now and it is already dark. Walked up and down Dam Square after visiting Royal Palace and I thinm the jetlag ia settling in. Think I can barely drag my feet in these heavy Doc Marts.

...the scent from next door's coffeeshop though...

Existing

 We cannot get hurt.

 ###

Round the bend

Abandonment.
Not only am I a commitment-phobe, it just hit me earlier today that I have abandonment issues.

A cousin sent a picture of my grandma and me yesterday. In that picture, I must have been around six or seven cause my grandma was still staying with me. Not long after, she left my house to stay in Yishun with my then-bachelor uncle.

My grandma and I, we were very close. Growing up, I wasn't close to my parents because they were never around. It was always my grandma who was with me. Besides, I think my mom loved my brother more (she probably still does). So yeah, I only had a year with my busy parents before the brother came along.

[Oh yeah, I also had my youngest auntie staying with me when I was a child. But she got married when I was around 4 and moved out. That was my second case of abandonment. The first abandoners being my parents. My cancer-stricken auntie died 5 years ago. That added to my ever-present grief. She was the only auntie whom I could pour my heart too.]

Back to my grandma.

She left to be with my uncle. I remember yearning to keep on going to Yishun when I was a child, only to be with her. It was a bachelor pad. It was not a place for kids. As my uncle was in the advertising+creative line, a lot of "creative" materials were all over the place. When he wasn't around, and when my grandma was busy cooking or sewing, I would break into my uncle's office, look at his 'creative' materials (include a lot of adult visuals...I was only 8). I found a bible in his drawer (he was a dating a Christian girl) and that was how I got to read the bible.

[Good lord. I read the bible before I even read the Qur'an. Thank God my grandma instilled an Islamic foundation during my early childhood. I could have been so confused.]

Anyway, yes, grandma left me. My mom left her job to take care of brother and me. Then she got pregnant, and the sister appeared. Feelings of abandonment multiplied. Now...nobody was free to bring me to Yishun. Mom was too busy with the little dumpling.

Two years flew. I channeled my energy into school. Yes, at Primary 3 & 4. I was so 'adult' then...feeling all independent and slightly angsty. I couldnt really fit in cause everyone was so happy. PE was a good outlet to vent my frustrations. I was good at that. One fine day in 1990, my uncle appeared at my classroom door to pick me up. "Grandma's gone," he said.

Abandonment.
Parents weren't the ones to pick me.
Abandonment.

You see, 1990 was a watershed year. I lost my one true love. I've never recovered. In 1996, I suffered my first heartbreak. It added to my sadness because I lost the second person whom I thought I loved. Bear in mind I was 16, young and stupid.

Anyway, the rest of my teenage years (and going well into my 20s) were spent dealing with these abandonment issues. I sabotaged relationships before they got too ..well..complicated. Nothing is forever and before it ends and blows up in my face, I should walk away, right? Well that was how I felt.

Now...at 34, I am tired.
Tired of walking away, tired of being in grief all the time.
The first step towards self-improvement is self-acceptance so here I am, accepting the fact that I have issues.

I dont want these issues to go away because these issues carry the memories of my loved ones - mainly my grandma and my beloved auntie - but I just need a way to work my way around them.

Okay.

I dont have a poetic way to end this entry. So yeah...that's all.


###

Diamond in the rough

"Melinda was mine'

Til the time that I found her

Holding Jim, loving him

Then Sue came along, loved me strong

That's what I thought

Me and Sue, but that died too

Don't know that I will

But until I can find me

The girl who'll stay

And won't play games behind me

I'll be what I amA solitary man, solitary man

I've had it to here

Bein' where love's a small word

Part-time thing, paper ring

I know it's been done

Havin' one girl who'll love me

Right or wrong, weak or strong

Don't know that I will

But until I can find me

The girl who'll stay

And won't play games behind me

I'll be what I am

A solitary man, solitary man"

...

"So that's your favourite one? From Neil Diamond?" I asked curiously.

"Why? Do you know who he is?"

He eyed me from the top of his reading glasses. How I loved it when he had them on. 

"Well, not like I know him personally, but do...do I know him? Hello, he's one of the greatest singers in this lifetime!" 

His eyes lit up. I think we had a connection there. Neil Diamond. Hah, who would have thought?

"Say, what's your Diamond favourite? Oh wait, let me guess. 'Sweet Caroline'?

"No."

"'Shilo'? 'Red Red Wine'? 'Cracklin' Rosie'?

Okay. Is he going to go through the whole of Neil Diamond's discography?

Can I talk now?

"No, no and no. My favou.."

"'Song Sung Blue'! It has to be 'Song Sung Blue'! he almost yelled.

What is that? Dude, it's only a song.

No offence, Neil Diamond.

"It's 'Girl, You'll Be A Woman Soon'. It's soulful and it is kind of deep." The answer finally broke out of my mouth. I had to admit, it did feel a little good that my favourite was not among those titles he had rattled off earlier. It made me feel like a badass. A Neil Diamond badass.

"You must have heard it from that Tarantino movie, right? 'Pulp Fiction'? That version was by Urge Overkill."

"Yes I know that version. I know that movie. I did not like it, but I know," I said while trying to be sure that I still looked cool.

"What do you mean you didn't like 'Pulp Fiction'? Are you kidding me, Jules?"

That semi-screech again.

What is this dude's problem?

I take it back.

He and his glasses can both scram out of my sight now.

"Well, Peter. I wasn't into that. I love other Tarantino flicks like 'Inglourious Basterds' and 'Django Unchained' but 'Pulp Fiction' didn't really hit me."

"Hah, you're such a girl!" he laughed.

"Wait, I thought this is about Neil Diamond?"

"Well, it isn't now."

God. 

Just how many more frogs do I have to kiss?

###

Talk of nothing

"So what's your story? What are you looking for?"

I am stumped by the questions. Sure I've had some interesting events here and there but there are never really stories to me. And what am I looking for? Well, if I know what it is for sure I would have found it by now.

Okay. 
Bite your tongue. 
Let's not get sarcastic.

"Story? I don't have much of a story and I think I am looking for happiness."

Great, Jules. 
Play that bimbo card. 

"Sounds easy, but I am sure happiness is quite a tricky thing to achieve," he says with a slight smile.

What is that? That smile? Is it a mocking smile that carries biting sarcasm or is that an empathetic one? I don't know and do I have to care?

"Well, some people say that if your idea of happiness is simple, you can achieve it easily. Maybe my version of happiness sounds a tad complicated."

"Ah, I like complications. It keeps the brain running. Life isn't easy and something that is easily achieved should be looked at again!" says he with the twinkling eyes. "Aren't you going to ask me anything? What I like, what I don't? Or do I have to do all the talking around here?"

Damn it. 
Must I? 
Breathe. 
Here I go. 

"Okay. I did tell you that I'm not much of a talker." Cue nervous laughter. "Well, let's see. Ah, okay. Which one do you think is more important in a relationship? Passion or dedication?"

Seriously, Jules? 
THAT question? 

"You don't have to answer that if you don't want to. It was just something at the top of my head anyway."

Quick, grab the coffee cup. 
Drink. Drink. Drink. 

"Passion, Jules. I'll choose passion for sure. Don't you feel the same way too?"

"I'll choose dedication but, it's not about me. Why do you choose that?"

"Surely you need passion to keep the relationship alive! It is an intense emotion and one filled with desire."

Ah, that smile again. I have such mixed feelings about that smile right now.

"Well, Hans, what happens when the passion isn't there? What if one day it takes a hike? It may come back and maybe it won't. We can't guarantee that we can feel passionate all the time but dedication, on the other hand, will always be there. It is a commitment that you must always make things work even though you may want to kill your lover...not killing out of lust...but you know, kill...murder."

Have I said too much? 
Should have just stuck to that bimbo card.

"Wow, where did that come from?" he laughs.

Great, now he thinks I'm a fool. The anxiety in my tummy is almost making its way up my throat. This is an evening I can no longer stomach. How long have we been here?

10 minutes.

"I can see your point."

He can? 

"I can see why you chose dedication."

"Because you think I'm passion-less?"

"Because I think you're scared."

Oh boy. Now I'm a coward.

"Scared? Maybe."

"That's it, Jules? You're not going to argue with that?"

Oh, must I? Must I? 
Come, let me pummel the crap out of you.

"No, I don't want to argue. Aren't we suppose to just chill?"

"We are....yes, we are."


###

Go to the end of the world for you

...to make you feel my love.




###

Heart

I haven't cried for a long time. But lately something is really bugging me. Bugging me enough for me to compose this while my vision is clouded with tears.

Yet, it is still like me to not say my sorrows explicitly.

So...here is me, crying my Friday night away.

###

The beach life

I am here at Villa Danialla, in Kelantan, with my parents for a short getaway. I have gotten a beach resort...with its own secluded beach...and gorgeous infinity pool.

But I think the parents are slowly regretting the fact that they have allowed me to settle the accommodation.

Them, being such city folks, find the tranquility disturbing. Like danger is going to pounce on them anytime. Like the earth will, without warning, open up and swallow them whole.

City folks.

Me?

I am a beach-bum hippie.

P/S: But it sure looks scary to go about swimming in the South China Sea alone. Father? Father?

###

New love

Found this band...thanks to 'Cool Kids'.

###

Sense of awareness

Density.
How can someone so mature be so unaware to the obvioua surrounding?

So is it true?
That everyone has that degree of autism...or something on the spectrum...in them?

Hmmm.

I'll take it that it is true for now.

###

Fembot

Damon Albarn - Everyday Robots (Official Video):