Sometime last week, one of my idols passed away. My, what a way to leave...taking his own life, in his own house, with loved ones just metres away. What transpired a man, loved by many, to expire that way?
Robin Williams' death shocked many, of course. Many did not expect such a funny man to have a deep sadness embedded in him. Some people I know mentioned that they have lost 'respect' in him because of the way he chose to go, saying suicide's a coward way to end...it's silly...an insult to God...bla bla bla. I don't agree with these friends. Depression IS a complex thing. Besides, your death has been willed by Him anyway. He knows how you're going to go.
I would like to think that I know what depression is. I think we all have been at our lowest points some times in our lives and normally, many of us can bounce back stronger a few days or weeks later.
However, for some, that moroseness, melancholia, anxiety, fear don't go away. The severity may differ on some days but that sickening feeling at the bottom of the stomach never truly disappears even after years. Some result to seek healings, some result to alcohol, to food, to drugs, to sex, to whatever that can give days, hours, minutes and seconds of pleasure. To feel a little human, a little happiness, a little gratifying satisfaction. It is easy to say "Oh, you should turn to God" but it is not.
Not everyone has the capacity in their mind to do that. Not someone with depression, that is for sure. That's why they need help in the forms of therapy, counselling, fellowship, rehabilitation and yes, constant emotional checks with loved ones.
The irony behind all these is that depression is a lonely road. You can be surrounded by everyone and yet, feeling like a child marooned on an empty island after being abandoned by her parents. That's why it is complex. I have seen it in front of my own eyes. It degenerates you, eating you up slowly from the inside. And it takes a lot for a person to finally say:
"Okay. That's it.
I am done with this shitty feeling.
I need help. I am determine to get better."
And when you say that, there are many options and some choose to kill themselves to end this worldly misery.
Why depression when you seem like someone who has it all? Someone who seems so well put together?
Well, it takes a lot of effort for some people to look well put together. Some people love doing something they love but they need lots of time to recuperate from doing those things. Some people's commitments and responsibilities desire them to behave in certain manner. Some people just have a different perspective to things. Some people feel the weight of the world on their shoulders. There are many reasons as to why people get depressed and every depression is somewhat different. Depression looks inside your brain, your emotions, your personality, your family, your friends, your community...like I said, it is complex.
So if you can feel me, Robin, listen...I think I understand why you did the things you had done. I may not agree with them but I think at that point, you were hitting a wall and it was causing an unbearable pain in your head.
Nevertheless, I want to say thank you for being the light that you were. All those times spent watching 'Mork and Mindy' ...man...I had a blast. Like everyone else, I teared while watching 'What Dreams May Come' and 'Patch Adams'. 'Aladdin' will always be my favourite Disney flick because of your genie. Watching 'Dead Poets Society' on TV for the first time when I was 13 was life-changing. I took O-Level literature because of that. Watching 'Good Will Hunting' at 17 or 18 gave me some much-needed positivity at a time I was unsure of who I was and what I wanted to be.
And best, 'Good Morning Vietnam' was one of my motivations in getting that first job - as a radio presenter in Rediffusion straight after school at 20.
Like the other flawed genius George Carlin, you too will be severely missed by me. Thank you for the laughter, the tears and the insights. The world is less funny without you.
"Gooooooooood-byyyyyyye Vietnaaaaam! That's right, I'm history... I'm outta here. I got the lucky ticket home, baby. Rollin, rollin, rollin'... keep them wagons rollin', rawhide! Yeah, that's right... the final Adrian Cronauer broadcast... and this one is brought to you by our friends at the Pentagon. Remember the people who brought you Korea? That's right, the U.S. Army. If it's being done correctly, here or abroad, it's probably not being done by the Army."
- Adrian Cronauer, Good Morning Vietnam.
Nanu-nanu :(
