Round the bend

Abandonment.
Not only am I a commitment-phobe, it just hit me earlier today that I have abandonment issues.

A cousin sent a picture of my grandma and me yesterday. In that picture, I must have been around six or seven cause my grandma was still staying with me. Not long after, she left my house to stay in Yishun with my then-bachelor uncle.

My grandma and I, we were very close. Growing up, I wasn't close to my parents because they were never around. It was always my grandma who was with me. Besides, I think my mom loved my brother more (she probably still does). So yeah, I only had a year with my busy parents before the brother came along.

[Oh yeah, I also had my youngest auntie staying with me when I was a child. But she got married when I was around 4 and moved out. That was my second case of abandonment. The first abandoners being my parents. My cancer-stricken auntie died 5 years ago. That added to my ever-present grief. She was the only auntie whom I could pour my heart too.]

Back to my grandma.

She left to be with my uncle. I remember yearning to keep on going to Yishun when I was a child, only to be with her. It was a bachelor pad. It was not a place for kids. As my uncle was in the advertising+creative line, a lot of "creative" materials were all over the place. When he wasn't around, and when my grandma was busy cooking or sewing, I would break into my uncle's office, look at his 'creative' materials (include a lot of adult visuals...I was only 8). I found a bible in his drawer (he was a dating a Christian girl) and that was how I got to read the bible.

[Good lord. I read the bible before I even read the Qur'an. Thank God my grandma instilled an Islamic foundation during my early childhood. I could have been so confused.]

Anyway, yes, grandma left me. My mom left her job to take care of brother and me. Then she got pregnant, and the sister appeared. Feelings of abandonment multiplied. Now...nobody was free to bring me to Yishun. Mom was too busy with the little dumpling.

Two years flew. I channeled my energy into school. Yes, at Primary 3 & 4. I was so 'adult' then...feeling all independent and slightly angsty. I couldnt really fit in cause everyone was so happy. PE was a good outlet to vent my frustrations. I was good at that. One fine day in 1990, my uncle appeared at my classroom door to pick me up. "Grandma's gone," he said.

Abandonment.
Parents weren't the ones to pick me.
Abandonment.

You see, 1990 was a watershed year. I lost my one true love. I've never recovered. In 1996, I suffered my first heartbreak. It added to my sadness because I lost the second person whom I thought I loved. Bear in mind I was 16, young and stupid.

Anyway, the rest of my teenage years (and going well into my 20s) were spent dealing with these abandonment issues. I sabotaged relationships before they got too ..well..complicated. Nothing is forever and before it ends and blows up in my face, I should walk away, right? Well that was how I felt.

Now...at 34, I am tired.
Tired of walking away, tired of being in grief all the time.
The first step towards self-improvement is self-acceptance so here I am, accepting the fact that I have issues.

I dont want these issues to go away because these issues carry the memories of my loved ones - mainly my grandma and my beloved auntie - but I just need a way to work my way around them.

Okay.

I dont have a poetic way to end this entry. So yeah...that's all.


###

Diamond in the rough

"Melinda was mine'

Til the time that I found her

Holding Jim, loving him

Then Sue came along, loved me strong

That's what I thought

Me and Sue, but that died too

Don't know that I will

But until I can find me

The girl who'll stay

And won't play games behind me

I'll be what I amA solitary man, solitary man

I've had it to here

Bein' where love's a small word

Part-time thing, paper ring

I know it's been done

Havin' one girl who'll love me

Right or wrong, weak or strong

Don't know that I will

But until I can find me

The girl who'll stay

And won't play games behind me

I'll be what I am

A solitary man, solitary man"

...

"So that's your favourite one? From Neil Diamond?" I asked curiously.

"Why? Do you know who he is?"

He eyed me from the top of his reading glasses. How I loved it when he had them on. 

"Well, not like I know him personally, but do...do I know him? Hello, he's one of the greatest singers in this lifetime!" 

His eyes lit up. I think we had a connection there. Neil Diamond. Hah, who would have thought?

"Say, what's your Diamond favourite? Oh wait, let me guess. 'Sweet Caroline'?

"No."

"'Shilo'? 'Red Red Wine'? 'Cracklin' Rosie'?

Okay. Is he going to go through the whole of Neil Diamond's discography?

Can I talk now?

"No, no and no. My favou.."

"'Song Sung Blue'! It has to be 'Song Sung Blue'! he almost yelled.

What is that? Dude, it's only a song.

No offence, Neil Diamond.

"It's 'Girl, You'll Be A Woman Soon'. It's soulful and it is kind of deep." The answer finally broke out of my mouth. I had to admit, it did feel a little good that my favourite was not among those titles he had rattled off earlier. It made me feel like a badass. A Neil Diamond badass.

"You must have heard it from that Tarantino movie, right? 'Pulp Fiction'? That version was by Urge Overkill."

"Yes I know that version. I know that movie. I did not like it, but I know," I said while trying to be sure that I still looked cool.

"What do you mean you didn't like 'Pulp Fiction'? Are you kidding me, Jules?"

That semi-screech again.

What is this dude's problem?

I take it back.

He and his glasses can both scram out of my sight now.

"Well, Peter. I wasn't into that. I love other Tarantino flicks like 'Inglourious Basterds' and 'Django Unchained' but 'Pulp Fiction' didn't really hit me."

"Hah, you're such a girl!" he laughed.

"Wait, I thought this is about Neil Diamond?"

"Well, it isn't now."

God. 

Just how many more frogs do I have to kiss?

###

Talk of nothing

"So what's your story? What are you looking for?"

I am stumped by the questions. Sure I've had some interesting events here and there but there are never really stories to me. And what am I looking for? Well, if I know what it is for sure I would have found it by now.

Okay. 
Bite your tongue. 
Let's not get sarcastic.

"Story? I don't have much of a story and I think I am looking for happiness."

Great, Jules. 
Play that bimbo card. 

"Sounds easy, but I am sure happiness is quite a tricky thing to achieve," he says with a slight smile.

What is that? That smile? Is it a mocking smile that carries biting sarcasm or is that an empathetic one? I don't know and do I have to care?

"Well, some people say that if your idea of happiness is simple, you can achieve it easily. Maybe my version of happiness sounds a tad complicated."

"Ah, I like complications. It keeps the brain running. Life isn't easy and something that is easily achieved should be looked at again!" says he with the twinkling eyes. "Aren't you going to ask me anything? What I like, what I don't? Or do I have to do all the talking around here?"

Damn it. 
Must I? 
Breathe. 
Here I go. 

"Okay. I did tell you that I'm not much of a talker." Cue nervous laughter. "Well, let's see. Ah, okay. Which one do you think is more important in a relationship? Passion or dedication?"

Seriously, Jules? 
THAT question? 

"You don't have to answer that if you don't want to. It was just something at the top of my head anyway."

Quick, grab the coffee cup. 
Drink. Drink. Drink. 

"Passion, Jules. I'll choose passion for sure. Don't you feel the same way too?"

"I'll choose dedication but, it's not about me. Why do you choose that?"

"Surely you need passion to keep the relationship alive! It is an intense emotion and one filled with desire."

Ah, that smile again. I have such mixed feelings about that smile right now.

"Well, Hans, what happens when the passion isn't there? What if one day it takes a hike? It may come back and maybe it won't. We can't guarantee that we can feel passionate all the time but dedication, on the other hand, will always be there. It is a commitment that you must always make things work even though you may want to kill your lover...not killing out of lust...but you know, kill...murder."

Have I said too much? 
Should have just stuck to that bimbo card.

"Wow, where did that come from?" he laughs.

Great, now he thinks I'm a fool. The anxiety in my tummy is almost making its way up my throat. This is an evening I can no longer stomach. How long have we been here?

10 minutes.

"I can see your point."

He can? 

"I can see why you chose dedication."

"Because you think I'm passion-less?"

"Because I think you're scared."

Oh boy. Now I'm a coward.

"Scared? Maybe."

"That's it, Jules? You're not going to argue with that?"

Oh, must I? Must I? 
Come, let me pummel the crap out of you.

"No, I don't want to argue. Aren't we suppose to just chill?"

"We are....yes, we are."


###

Go to the end of the world for you

...to make you feel my love.




###

Heart

I haven't cried for a long time. But lately something is really bugging me. Bugging me enough for me to compose this while my vision is clouded with tears.

Yet, it is still like me to not say my sorrows explicitly.

So...here is me, crying my Friday night away.

###

The beach life

I am here at Villa Danialla, in Kelantan, with my parents for a short getaway. I have gotten a beach resort...with its own secluded beach...and gorgeous infinity pool.

But I think the parents are slowly regretting the fact that they have allowed me to settle the accommodation.

Them, being such city folks, find the tranquility disturbing. Like danger is going to pounce on them anytime. Like the earth will, without warning, open up and swallow them whole.

City folks.

Me?

I am a beach-bum hippie.

P/S: But it sure looks scary to go about swimming in the South China Sea alone. Father? Father?

###

New love

Found this band...thanks to 'Cool Kids'.

###

Sense of awareness

Density.
How can someone so mature be so unaware to the obvioua surrounding?

So is it true?
That everyone has that degree of autism...or something on the spectrum...in them?

Hmmm.

I'll take it that it is true for now.

###

Fembot

Damon Albarn - Everyday Robots (Official Video):

All of life is a coming home

Sometime last week, one of my idols passed away. My, what a way to leave...taking his own life, in his own house, with loved ones just metres away. What transpired a man, loved by many, to expire that way?

Robin Williams' death shocked many, of course. Many did not expect such a funny man to have a deep sadness embedded in him. Some people I know mentioned that they have lost 'respect' in him because of the way he chose to go, saying suicide's a coward way to end...it's silly...an insult to God...bla bla bla. I don't agree with these friends. Depression IS a complex thing. Besides, your death has been willed by Him anyway. He knows how you're going to go.

I would like to think that I know what depression is. I think we all have been at our lowest points some times in our lives and normally, many of us can bounce back stronger a few days or weeks later.

However, for some, that moroseness, melancholia, anxiety, fear don't go away. The severity may differ on some days but that sickening feeling at the bottom of the stomach never truly disappears even after years. Some result to seek healings, some result to alcohol, to food, to drugs, to sex, to whatever that can give days, hours, minutes and seconds of pleasure. To feel a little human, a little happiness, a little gratifying satisfaction. It is easy to say "Oh, you should turn to God" but it is not.

Not everyone has the capacity in their mind to do that. Not someone with depression, that is for sure. That's why they need help in the forms of therapy, counselling, fellowship, rehabilitation and yes, constant emotional checks with loved ones.

The irony behind all these is that depression is a lonely road. You can be surrounded by everyone and yet, feeling like a child marooned on an empty island after being abandoned by her parents. That's why it is complex. I have seen it in front of my own eyes. It degenerates you, eating you up slowly from the inside. And it takes a lot for a person to finally say:

"Okay. That's it.
I am done with this shitty feeling.
I need help. I am determine to get better."

And when you say that, there are many options and some choose to kill themselves to end this worldly misery.

Why depression when you seem like someone who has it all? Someone who seems so well put together?

Well, it takes a lot of effort for some people to look well put together. Some people love doing something they love but they need lots of time to recuperate from doing those things. Some people's commitments and responsibilities desire them to behave in certain manner. Some people just have a different perspective to things. Some people feel the weight of the world on their shoulders. There are many reasons as to why people get depressed and every depression is somewhat different. Depression looks inside your brain, your emotions, your personality, your family, your friends, your community...like I said, it is complex.

So if you can feel me, Robin, listen...I think I understand why you did the things you had done. I may not agree with them but I think at that point, you were hitting a wall and it was causing an unbearable pain in your head.

Nevertheless, I want to say thank you for being the light that you were. All those times spent watching 'Mork and Mindy' ...man...I had a blast. Like everyone else, I teared while watching 'What Dreams May Come' and 'Patch Adams'. 'Aladdin' will always be my favourite Disney flick because of your genie. Watching 'Dead Poets Society' on TV for the first time when I was 13 was life-changing. I took O-Level literature because of that. Watching 'Good Will Hunting' at 17 or 18  gave me some much-needed positivity at a time I was unsure of who I was and what I wanted to be.

And best, 'Good Morning Vietnam' was one of my motivations in getting that first job - as a radio presenter in Rediffusion straight after school at 20.



Like the other flawed genius George Carlin, you too will be severely missed by me. Thank you for the laughter, the tears and the insights. The world is less funny without you.

"Gooooooooood-byyyyyyye Vietnaaaaam! That's right, I'm history... I'm outta here. I got the lucky ticket home, baby. Rollin, rollin, rollin'... keep them wagons rollin', rawhide! Yeah, that's right... the final Adrian Cronauer broadcast... and this one is brought to you by our friends at the Pentagon. Remember the people who brought you Korea? That's right, the U.S. Army. If it's being done correctly, here or abroad, it's probably not being done by the Army."
- Adrian Cronauer, Good Morning Vietnam.

Nanu-nanu :(

Fade to black

Now that clears things out.

Right?

It looks like it.

It doesn't feel like it though.

But I am a logical person.

So, let's be empirical about it.

###

Manis-manis Lebaran

Kawan-kawan...besok dah Hari Raya :)



Selamat Hari Raya.
Maaf zahir dan batin.
Salam Eid-ul-fitri.
Eid Mubarak.

Besok kita enjoy.

Lepas tu...kerja macam nak mampus sekali lagi.

###

Leggo!

World Cup Final.

I love this tournament but I am so glad that we have finally come to the end of the road. I need my normal sleeping pattern back. I need to keep more alert in school :(

So yes, after so so so so long, Argentina have finally reached the ultimate stage. Though I know the odds of them winning against Germany are low, I still will support them anyway. Why? I have always been a fan of Argentina ever since I started watching WC in 1986. Yes, the season that had the Hand of God fiasco was the first time I ever watched a World Cup match at the age of 6. I remember my uncle screaming out names like Lineker, Zico, Matthaus, Cesar, Socrates, Platini, Voller, Papin and of course Maradona...and how jubilant he was whenever a beautiful goal was scored. That excitement stuck with me ever since whenever I got to watch a football match.

As to why Argentina...actually, I support all Latin teams because I love their carefree, creative kind of football.

Screw it. I love every team. Football is beautiful, ya'll.

Come.
Play ball!


###

Saudade

"If only tonight we could sleep

In a bed made of flowers
If only tonight we could fall
In a deathless spell
If only tonight we could slide
Into deep black water
And breathe
And breath" - If Only Tonight We Could Sleep, The Cure

...

Ramadan is well into its 9th day and today is exceptionally blessed because it is a school holiday...Youth Day!

Okay. 30 minutes ago I had a billion things to write - about life, work, love, that 'saudade' episode I had last night after Maghrib prayers and many more. But I got distracted and now I am almost speechless, save for these words I am writing to tell you that I am speechless.

Maybe we can try again tonight.

Don't worry.
I am still here.


P/S: During the blog inactivity, my favourite female author died. Your words live on, Maya Angelou.

P/P/S: During the blog inactivity, many Palestinian children died. May they be sent straight to Heaven.

###

 

Pretty little liars

Will you...

...still love me when I'm no longer young and beautiful?

Okay. Beautiful is very loosely used here.

Little

https://nurashikinsalim.wordpress.com/2014/06/11/dear-my-muslim-lgbtq-brothers-and-sisters/

Lightness

Good morning, Hong Kong.

I hate noise but here I am.
I hate the idea where life is highly driven by the sheer concept of materialism
Yet here I am.
I hate crowds and chaos
Yet again and again here I am.
What is this you have over me?

I scratched a little.
I felt a soul.
I pressed my ear a little.
I heard a beating heartbeat.
I smelled intently.
I found life.

Your contradictions amaze me.
Your rebellions inspire me.
Your acceptances amuse me.
Your fighting spirit humbles me.

So I come back
Again and again.
Bless your beating heart, Hong Kong.

Kowloon with love

Heading to Hong Kong in a bit.

This time round, hope to catch a bit of the 'countryside'.

But it is thunderstorm season.

So...lepak, it will be.

All the way to reno...

...vations.

House is undergoing toilet upgrading work and boy, this sucks. Mother and sister have gone to stay at my uncle's but I am staying behind to accompany Father who wants to stick around to supervise the place...and to clean it up at the end of the next 10 days, of course.

Gonna be so tiring on him physically and financially. The contractors hacked part of our cabinet because of some piping work. Our wash basin area seems somewhat ruin too. There's only so much I can contribute.

Anyway, the kitchen, due to the layout of my 'island', does not have enough space for the contractors to place a portable loo. That means, Father and I have to utilise the communal loo downstairs. Again, that sucks balls.

Think tomorrow I have to bring dirty laundry to work and air them there.

Shower before I get home too.

Boo.