Because I got high

As strange as it sounds, I do like to think. I do like it more if it doesnt concern work, livelihood and money. I am just not made to think that way. Yes, I am not coded. Can I get an "Amen"?

Amen.

So you dont go home to a loved one cause you dont have any. So no one hugs you at the end of the day and assures you that your shitty day will pass. So you do get jealous of your friends sometimes. So you do get high on alcohol and hallucinogens. So you admit that there are days when you can turn murderous. So there are days when you wish that everyone will just leave you alone. So there are times when you wish everyone just gives you a little more attention. So you wish sometimes that you matter. So you hope sometimes that God will spare you the misery and cut the torture short.

You wait.
And you wait.
And you wait some more.

How exactly do we cope with all these conflicting emotions?
How do you deal with being holistically mindful?
And having the urge to be not?

You look around. There are happy people hiding sadness and there are sad people denying happiness. There are those who let their unhappiness shows, you know, wear their hearts on their sleeves, and what becomes of them? What do we call them? Emotional wrecks. A mess.

Oh well.

I have weird conflicting feelings in me all the time; I-love-you-but-I-hate-you kind of thing. But I think, I have learnt to deal with it. I reproach myself lesser and I am trying to tell myself that it is okay to feel guilty, frustrated, lonely, embarrassed and jealous.

I have never been a saint. For the life of me, I didnt grow up saintly though many had tried to turn my life towards a potential sainthood. Some things just dont work out. It's okay. We move along.

Still, I have no idea where the flow of the stream is moving me to.
It better not take me back to where I'd started.
That isnt what moving on is supposed to be.

I try to love my life fully and graciously but I cant.

Stop trying to tell me that I should.

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And I had absolutely no idea what was going through my head when I penned this down. My brain is technically dead and I should stop this totally warped entry.

I think I just need sleep. But I cant cause I have to hit the books. Yes, this is where "I love you...but I really hate you" part comes in. Oh well.

A thousand times goodnights, bumbling idiots and stuttering fools.


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