I am writing this with tears streaming down my face and a heart full of hate right now. I was fine a few minutes ago…until you totally destroyed my day. We are now sitting in the same place but mentally I am far, far away from you. In fact, I am so far away…no one can reach me right now.
Why must you always do this to me? I swear if I get any opportunity to run away from you, I will. Every kindness from you is guilt-laden. Every criticism from you is a stab to my heart. And trust me, I’ve been stabbed many times by you.
Why must you always bring me back down whenever I am trying to get back on my feet? Why do I never get any support from you? How the fuck will I ever fly? What makes it so hard for you to understand? I can assure you…I understand your position, I understand why you are so bitter to me. But will it kill you to be considerate? To put yourself in my position too? Do you have any idea how tired I am? Do you have any freaking idea?
If you think your words are constructive, you are dead wrong. They have done nothing to me, but harm. I don’t know why you want to freaking see me at home when home offers neither retreat nor solitude for me. No peace of mind, no love. Okay I need to change my tshirt. It’s all soaked. Sigh…
It’s stupid for me to be angry like a 16-year-old. But that’s how I am feeling. Rather, that’s how you are making me feel. Angsty, rebellious and having the need to escape. Escape from you, escape from home. If I was a much younger person, I would have been a delinquent and would gladly go jail. I’d be a tattooed beast and I’d do anything to shove it to your face…and scream “Fuck you!”
Wait.. I did say that to you when I was younger. I even remember holding a piping hot iron between us. It was either you or me. Thank God nothing happened. It would be so unpretty for me to have a burn mark on my arm right now.
Okay I’ve said my piece for now. The tears have stopped and the hate and anger are gone. I have absolutely no feeling right now. But you taught me that. So I guess you ought to be happy to know that I am capable of being heartless. Give me a little more time. Then, nothing will move me. Nothing.
I am not angry.
I am not spiteful.
I am just broken.
###
No comments:
Post a Comment